“The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity, and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because philosophy is an exalted activity, will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.” ~ John W. Gardner

It’s been 35 years since Chicagoan Studs Terkel published his groundbreaking book Working.  In it, Studs interviewed everyone from prostitutes to CEOs, housewives to artists, revealing what should have been obvious all along – people are more than the jobs they do.

Truck drivers read philosophy; physicists wait tables.  We simply can’t judge or dismiss any individual based on the tasks they perform…

This seems obvious, and most likely I’m preaching to the choir, but time and again, I’ve seen women in business suits treat sales people like servants, and groups of white shirted executives berate their servers.  I’ve heard students from impressive schools talk down to a grocery checker old enough to be their mother.  I’ve watched artsy types reject drinks from khaki-panted men.

Mark Twain said, “clothes make the man,” but he’s only right in so far as our judgment is concerned.  We pigeon-hole each other based on assumptions we make…

I know a lawyer who dresses like a rock star, and an actor who insists on wearing a three-piece suit.  My barista at Starbucks today is a professional dancer working for his insurance.  Bill Clinton once worked in a grocery store, Thomas Alva Edison in a railroad mail car.  Madeleine Albright sold bras; Warren Beatty was a rat catcher.  Ellen DeGeneres was an oyster shucker and Stephen King was a janitor.

We can all dress up or dress down; there are all kinds of reasons having nothing to do with IQ or talent for why we choose the work we do … and in today’s culture, it is a mistake to underestimate or write anyone off based on nothing more than appearance or occupation.

So much better to treat every individual we come across with the kindness and respect we would like to receive; even better to take the time to see the human being behind the apron, the hardhat, the uniform.  Who knows what we’ll learn?

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.”
~ Shakespeare, The Merchant Of Venice

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.’” ~ Erich Fromm

There’s a piece to this whole self-care puzzle that I’ve never considered up till now. “I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t take care of myself” is pretty much my mantra the days (as if you couldn’t guess if you’ve been reading these postings regularly :D)… but I’ve never stopped to think about the effect my wellbeing has on those who love me.

HHP Founder Kurt Hill has always said that, “true love is two people standing in the light of the Divine, loving themselves.” When love is real, it is as much, if not more, an act of self-care as anything else. We find that we like who we are in life because of who we are accepted as and supported to be within our relationships… so when we contemplate the loss of our special someone, beyond the loss of their wonderful, warm presence in the world, it’s not losing the gifts that they bring or having to do the chores that are their’s, it is the loss of who we are when we are with them that can leave us reeling. It is good for our health for our loved ones to be healthy.

If you flip the picture, then taking care of ourselves is not only self-care, it is, in actuality, an act of nurturing towards our loved ones. Our continued good health frees them form the burden of worry – which, as we all know, brings with it its own stressors and health concerns.

So if we want to love our loved ones best, we had better love ourselves!

“Listen, big boy,

Now that you got me made,

Goodness, but I’m afraid,

Somethin’s gonna happen to you!

Listen, big boy,

You gotta be hooked, and how,

I would die if I should lose you now!

Button up your overcoat,

When the wind is free,

Oh, take good care of yourself,

You belong to me!

Be careful crossing streets, ooh-ooh,

Cut out sweets, ooh-ooh,

Lay off meat, ooh-ooh,

You’ll get a pain and ruin your tum-tum!

Wear your flannel underwear,

When you climb a tree,

Oh, take good care of yourself,

You belong to me!”

~ B.G. DeSylva and Lew Brown, Lyrics to Button Up Your Overcoat

“Stress is what happens when your gut says ‘no way,’ but your mouth says ‘no problem.’” ~ Unknown

I kinda feel like I could walk away from the above quote with a “’nuff said” attitude and a bit of a strut – very John Travolta at the end of Staying Alive.  It’s so succinct, and for me personally, just such a shot between the eyes- like getting a hunk of fresh wasabi with your sushi… POW!  I actually laughed out loud when I read it, both from surprise and recognition.

We do it all the time, say “yes” to things we know we should say “no” to… if we’ve done a poor job of learning how to ask for what we need, we’ve done an equally bad job of learning how to decline a request in a way that is both firm and graceful and doesn’t cause us to be wracked with guilt for days, week, and even years after.  I have, at times, found myself absolutely furious with someone for putting me in a position where I have to choose between my needs or theirs, a position that feels like an absolute lose-lose for me alone.

Part of the problem, of course, is that, culturally, whether you’re religious or not, we’re working out of a 2,000 year old mythology that tells us that it is godly to be self sacrificing to the point of death and beyond.  There is very little out there that rewards us for putting our own needs ahead of someone else’s… even when what is being asked is inconsiderate or unreasonable.  Pop “selfish” into any quote site online and you’ll get page upon page on the evils of ego, while “self sacrifice” yields author after author waxing poetically about the blessings of self immolation for the good of another, or the heroism of the individual forgoing on behalf of the whole.  Try “self-care” and you have to go google hunting for a single decent, meaningful expression.

Obviously, I’m not championing personal greed – but I believe there is “smart selfish” in addition to “dumb selfish.”  Dumb selfish never takes into consideration that, in the big picture, the good of the whole can and frequently does benefit the individual.  (Bernie Madoff may be the ultimate poster child for dumb selfish.)  Smart selfish says, “I can’t take care of anyone else, if don’t take care of myself.”

I wonder what would happen if we all chose, just for one day, to actually act on our gut instinct to say “no?”  But, of course, just saying “no” isn’t enough; we need to find some way of making it ok to choose ourselves…. maybe, “can I get back to you” is a first step.

I don’t have an answer; I’m working on it myself… what’re your thoughts?

“Self-sacrifice which denies common sense is not a virtue. It’s a spiritual dissipation.” ~ Margaret Deland

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~ Anthony Robbins

There are 616,500 words in the English language… 616,500 words, as opposed to German which has a mere 185,000, or French with under 100,000.

616,500 words with which to communicate and we still have a hard time getting our needs met. Granted, the biggest factor in this deficit is our refusal to ask for what it is we need, succumbing to either shyness or fear of looking needy, or worse yet, assuming that our nearest and dearest should just know what we need – or they would if they really loved us.

But even when we summon the courage to ask for what we want, still we’re often disappointed… why?

Each of us looks at the world through our own filter; we interact out of our own unique set of senses, experiences, and desires. The words we use are just place markers for a whole set of pictures and values for how our world should look. So “early” or “dating” or “see you soon” can mean something entirely different depending on who you ask.

Once, when I lived with my sister, she sent me a text telling me she was sick. Me being me, this kicked my nurturer into high gear – I arrived home with chicken noodle soup, ginger ale, a movie, Gatorade, and lots of love, affection, and sympathy. She wanted nothing to do with any of it – she wanted to be left alone in her room with as little awareness as possible that I or the rest of the world existed. I’m an extravert; I’d brought her what I want when I’m sick instead of stopping to consider what she, as an introvert, might prefer.

A friend recently went through a crisis during which her family did not behave as she wished they would. She’d let them know that there was an emergency and then was upset when no one had followed up with her in what she believed was the appropriate time frame. She admitted that she hadn’t told them that she would really appreciate it if they would check in with her and, since they are wired up very differently from her, there was a chance that they were giving her space to work out the problem. They assumed she would call if she needed them. Her frustration and hurt came because they didn’t behave as she would if the situation were reversed.

It’s my experience that most of us want to be as useful as we possibly can. And in order to do so, we go about doing whatever we’ve promised to do to the best of our abilities, doing what we wish others would do if we were the ones in need. I don’t think any of us set out to frustrate or upset each other on purpose.

So we need to help others help us – and the only way we do so is by communicating our pictures as clearly, and in as much detail as possible.

It’s not easy – trust me, this is a “pot calling kettle black” blog if ever there was one… but think about it if the positions were switched. I know I personally would so much rather give what is really wanted rather than what I think is needed…

Something to ponder anyway…

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door shall be opened.” ~ Matthew 7:7

“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” ~ Dorothy Day

It is no secret that more and more people are moving away from their communities of origin… economic opportunities, as well as occasions for both personal and professional growth take us not only across countries but across the globe.

Even when we’ve lived in a place for a while, we can find ourselves without the kind of support and connection that we long for… we change jobs, romances end, our kids switch schools, we choose to move beyond friendships that no longer support our growth.

It is inevitable that the times we find ourselves most aware of our lack of community are when we most need it. Unfortunately, the very nature of our neediness and how we as humans respond to such need in others oftentimes guarantees that, after an initial willingness to help, we may end up driving away the very people we expect and want most to be part of our support system.

Ghandi famously said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” If what we most want is a community of like-minded people on whom we can depend, then we must be willing to reach out to likely candidates and offer them our own presence and dependability.

We must use our discernment in choosing people with whom we would like to build community. Finding others with whom we connect who are also willing to give as much as they receive can take time and we may, in the process, have to endure the pain of letting some people go as we discover overtime that we are participating in an unbalanced relationship.

And, of course, there’s always the risk that our overtures may be rejected. But if we never extend our companionship, our wisdom, our shoulder to lean on, how can we expect anyone to offer theirs in turn? If we never communicate that we are available for friendship how is anyone to know?

Ultimately, only we have the power to change and shape our world… if you find yourself feeling that “long loneliness,” ask yourself, what action are you willing to take today in order to alleviate it, to be yourself what you are searching for in others?

‘In our hectic, fast-paced, consumer-driven society, it’s common to feel overwhelmed, isolated and alone. Many are re-discovering the healing and empowering role that community can bring to our lives. The sense of belonging we feel when we make the time to take an active role in our communities can give us a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.” ~ Robert Alan