“Stress is what happens when your gut says ‘no way,’ but your mouth says ‘no problem.’” ~ Unknown
I kinda feel like I could walk away from the above quote with a “’nuff said” attitude and a bit of a strut – very John Travolta at the end of Staying Alive. It’s so succinct, and for me personally, just such a shot between the eyes- like getting a hunk of fresh wasabi with your sushi… POW! I actually laughed out loud when I read it, both from surprise and recognition.
We do it all the time, say “yes” to things we know we should say “no” to… if we’ve done a poor job of learning how to ask for what we need, we’ve done an equally bad job of learning how to decline a request in a way that is both firm and graceful and doesn’t cause us to be wracked with guilt for days, week, and even years after. I have, at times, found myself absolutely furious with someone for putting me in a position where I have to choose between my needs or theirs, a position that feels like an absolute lose-lose for me alone.
Part of the problem, of course, is that, culturally, whether you’re religious or not, we’re working out of a 2,000 year old mythology that tells us that it is godly to be self sacrificing to the point of death and beyond. There is very little out there that rewards us for putting our own needs ahead of someone else’s… even when what is being asked is inconsiderate or unreasonable. Pop “selfish” into any quote site online and you’ll get page upon page on the evils of ego, while “self sacrifice” yields author after author waxing poetically about the blessings of self immolation for the good of another, or the heroism of the individual forgoing on behalf of the whole. Try “self-care” and you have to go google hunting for a single decent, meaningful expression.
Obviously, I’m not championing personal greed – but I believe there is “smart selfish” in addition to “dumb selfish.” Dumb selfish never takes into consideration that, in the big picture, the good of the whole can and frequently does benefit the individual. (Bernie Madoff may be the ultimate poster child for dumb selfish.) Smart selfish says, “I can’t take care of anyone else, if don’t take care of myself.”
I wonder what would happen if we all chose, just for one day, to actually act on our gut instinct to say “no?” But, of course, just saying “no” isn’t enough; we need to find some way of making it ok to choose ourselves…. maybe, “can I get back to you” is a first step.
I don’t have an answer; I’m working on it myself… what’re your thoughts?
“Self-sacrifice which denies common sense is not a virtue. It’s a spiritual dissipation.” ~ Margaret Deland
No. I cannot come to school at 4:30 AM to be on Cool Schools, even if every other teacher is “COOL”. If I do, the fallout will land on my family. VERY EASY in this case to say NO.