Chompin’ On Worms

“Nobody loves me.  Everybody hates me; I might as well go eat worms.” ~ Camp Song

It’s ten o’clock and, quite frankly, I’m glad this day is almost over.

It started badly – anger, anxiety, frustration, feeling disrespected, let down, and as if my time didn’t matter – all at an hour entirely too early for what was supposed to be my day off.

By the time the whole issue was resolved, I was 45 minutes late for a commitment that I’d made and I knew I was in trouble.  Anyone coming close as I bolted to my appointment would have been treated to a just-under-my-breath muttered tirade about my own worth.  Occasionally, words and phrases would burst forth.  A snarled, “It’s not FAIR,” being the most common.

Thank god I had a reprieve while hanging with my god kids.  I giggled, drew flowers, tickled, hugged… I really thought I was beyond my morning.  But after leaving and going home, I just… tanked.

All that anger and ire had resolved itself into this stagnant puddle of grief that just seeped into all my thoughts… oh yeah, the pity party had begun!

This doesn’t happen very often.  My usual demeanor tends towards being fairly upbeat and terminally positive.  (I actually had a boyfriend once who, in the midst of an argument, threw at me, “What do you think it’s like for ME living with someone who’s so CHEERFUL all the time??”)

So on the rare occasions when I find myself in this place, all I want to do is take a vacation WITHOUT MYSELF.  If I could find a way to unscrew my head and leave it’s whiny, crabby, self-pitying self behind and take the rest of me to the beach, I’d do it… ugh

I’ve been reading Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies again, and, at the height of my pathetic-ness, I remembered something she said.  She was talking about forgiveness and about letting someone off the hook.  She actually pictured herself reaching up, and taking the offending party down from where she had hung him for punishment.  And that’s when I knew…

I needed to let myself off the hook.

I’m human; I’d had a really not fun morning that had flooded my body with all kinds of unnecessary chemicals and left me emotionally wrung out at the end.  If anyone had come to me in a similar situation, instead of being angry and disgusted with them, wanting to get as far away from them as possible, I would pet them and soothe them and help them to feel whole again.

So, I took myself to my favorite used bookstore and bought a fluffy novel by one of my favorite “beach read” authors.  I went to the gym and ran myself clean; then sat in the steam room till my body and heart went soft again.  I bought a beautiful salad, and came home to watch one of my favorite tv shows.

I forgave myself…

And, to quote one of my all time favorite cranky bitches, Scarlett O’Hara, “After all…. tomorrow is another day!”

Thank God