I recently spent some time thinking aloud with a group of very creative people in an attempt to come up with some tactics to help busy, care-giving people find balance in their lives. In discussion, we had to acknowledge that all the equilibrium-achieving methodologies in the world won’t help if the people who need them don’t feel they can take the time to use them… we needed to find a way to give people permission to take care of themselves.
And then it hit me – one of those bolt-out-of-the-blue, Cosmic Ah-Ha, life defining moments… the only person who can give any us permission is….. OURSELF!!!!!
Yeah… I know…
DUH
What can I say, sometimes the most earth shattering realizations are the most obvious…
On the other hand, how many of us are acting in the world as if we have permission to be anything and do anything we want? When was the last time you gave yourself permission to take a nap, eat the last piece of pie, get a massage, SAY NO when you really feel it…. not to mention take a risk, try something new, be bold, act on your intuition?
Really, TRULY, as psychologist and educator William Glasser teaches, there is no external locus of control – there is nothing outside of ourselves that can make us do or not do anything so long as we are willing to give ourselves permission and accept the consequences…
And the consequences of self care are a greater sense of well being, renewed energy, fresh perspectives, a zest for life, better relationships….
Yup, I can accept that. : )
“We need to give ourselves permission to act out our dreams and visions, not look for more sensations, more phenomena, but live our strongest dreams – even if it takes a lifetime.” ~Vijali Hamilton
Glasser’s ideas are old news for some and revolutionary for others. Imagine: ‘Nothing outside of ourselves causes us to do, think, or feel anything.’
Kinda blows your mind, eh?
Simply. We choose. We choose. We choose.
How else can it be explained that two individuals viewing the same external event react in diametrically opposed ways if, in fact, each one is not independently choosing their own reaction? For example, I sat with a friend, a Red Sox fan, watching my Yankees win their 27th World Series. I’m happy. He’s depressed. I have a picture in my mind that has the Yanks winning, and when there is a match between my picture and the external event, I’m happy. My friend has a picture of the Yankees never winning another game , never mind a World Series, so when the extrnal event is less than his picture of their defeat, he chooses to depress, because Glasser notes that when our pictures are not satisfied, we often choose strong negative behaviors like angering or depressing as a reaction. In short, we often choose misery, as a reaction to our external world not matching our internal pictures of how it should or must be.
This is not necessarily a conscious choice, but it is a choice none the less, and if we can become aware of these powerful pictures that determine our thoughts, actions, and feelings, we could decide whether the pictures make sense for us. In other words, is the world ok, but my picture needs to change, or is the my picture ok, and the external environment needs to change.
Glasser has also noted, ‘It is almost impossible for anyone, even the most ineffective among us, to continue to choose misery after becoming aware that it is a choice.’
So what is your choice right now?
One of the things that most excites me about Glasser’s ideas is that within the framework you’ve explained, emotions and logic, rather than being at odds with one another,form a partnership for mental health and growing self awareness…
In Western culture, logic reigns and feelings are considered frivolous, wasteful, silly, cowardly, useless (I could go on and on)…
Or – in some of the more New Age philosophies, it doesn’t much matter if what I feel has any basis in reality, it’s what I FEEL and that’s what’s important.
In Choice Theory, emotions are sign posts, frequently acting as a warning system. Using your example about the baseball team, your friend has an opportunity to step back from the moment and say, “WOW… I’m having a REALLY strong emotional reaction to a baseball game. What is that about? What picture am I holding that isn’t being met?”
If you can follow the emotional thread back, you have an opportunity to uncover and re frame pictures that no longer serve you…
You can also, as Glasser says, choose your behaviors as opposed to reacting out of a triggered emotion.
It never occurred to me until now, but Choice Theory, seen in this light, is every bit as much a spiritual practice as any of the mindfulness techniques… notice the emotion, find it’s source, choose the behavior that is most beneficial in this moment, reframe the pictures…
And like every practice, it needs to be practiced in order to be successful.
Just so!
I’ve never been quite sure of what the operational definition is of ‘spiritual’, but I always figured that if it was something that helped me know myself better, and in so doing, gave me a better chance at leading a satisfying ethical life, that was pretty good.
Choice Theory is one of those practices that changes your life and the lives whom you touch, and while it is labeled as a cognitive-behavioral model, it has helped me, a hard-core logic type, to get in touch with my feelings, and read them like tea leaves.
“Hmmm? I’m angering (notice the verb form, as it is a part of behavior). What picture isn’t being met? (Often it is, like a picture, the negative of mine.) I angering because she didn’t call me back, and I feel she doesn’t care, so I must have a picture that says ‘If she really cared, she’d call me back’. Is that accurate? Is my picture a valid one? She didn’t say when she would call today, so maybe I could choose to not anger, and realize that I’m being needy right now.”
The major difference when using CT is that by identifying the offended picture, I’m taking responsibility for both it and the feelings generated by the gap between the reality of the situation and my ‘should’ picture. I’m also clearly not beating myself up for the feeling or the picture. I may choose to modify the picture, or decide to find friends that call me back.
The really cool thing is that she is not ‘making ‘ me angry. I am choosing to be angry…or not.
What personal power, eh?
Can we actually choose our feelings? I’ll buy that we can diffuse emotional trigger points, building new neural pathways by repeatedly not behaving in reaction to events… I even believe that, with work, we can detach in a very Buddhist way from having any need for certain outcomes… we can develop new perspectives, new beliefs, new attitudes that all can change how we feel about things…
but actually choose our feelings? hmmmm
When I note that we choose our feelings, I should be saying that we choose our pictures, and they in turn determine the feeling I have when my picture is matched, or when a situation produces a significant gap between how it is and how I want it to be.
That it is the pictures that determine our feelings, can be seen everywhere around us, but I’ll recount one from 9/11. I was sitting in an auditorium on campus just hours after the planes hit the towers, watching the videos over and over, while helping students process and deal with the horror. I looked up at one point and they were showing video of people, seemingly in the Middle East, joyously celebrating. The reader told us that celebrations were occurring throughout the Middle East.
Same event being seen by millions around the world. Very different feelings about that event. Clearly, different pictures about how it should be, dictating the very different reactions.
I have seen many do the work to identify their pictures and systematically either change the unrealistic pictures or the unsatisfying externals, thus changing their feeling reactions.
While feelings are neither right nor wrong, they don’t simply exist without basis, and that basis is the set of pictures each of us has created to satisfy our needs…or to settle for a substitute.