“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~ Anthony Robbins

There are 616,500 words in the English language… 616,500 words, as opposed to German which has a mere 185,000, or French with under 100,000.

616,500 words with which to communicate and we still have a hard time getting our needs met. Granted, the biggest factor in this deficit is our refusal to ask for what it is we need, succumbing to either shyness or fear of looking needy, or worse yet, assuming that our nearest and dearest should just know what we need – or they would if they really loved us.

But even when we summon the courage to ask for what we want, still we’re often disappointed… why?

Each of us looks at the world through our own filter; we interact out of our own unique set of senses, experiences, and desires. The words we use are just place markers for a whole set of pictures and values for how our world should look. So “early” or “dating” or “see you soon” can mean something entirely different depending on who you ask.

Once, when I lived with my sister, she sent me a text telling me she was sick. Me being me, this kicked my nurturer into high gear – I arrived home with chicken noodle soup, ginger ale, a movie, Gatorade, and lots of love, affection, and sympathy. She wanted nothing to do with any of it – she wanted to be left alone in her room with as little awareness as possible that I or the rest of the world existed. I’m an extravert; I’d brought her what I want when I’m sick instead of stopping to consider what she, as an introvert, might prefer.

A friend recently went through a crisis during which her family did not behave as she wished they would. She’d let them know that there was an emergency and then was upset when no one had followed up with her in what she believed was the appropriate time frame. She admitted that she hadn’t told them that she would really appreciate it if they would check in with her and, since they are wired up very differently from her, there was a chance that they were giving her space to work out the problem. They assumed she would call if she needed them. Her frustration and hurt came because they didn’t behave as she would if the situation were reversed.

It’s my experience that most of us want to be as useful as we possibly can. And in order to do so, we go about doing whatever we’ve promised to do to the best of our abilities, doing what we wish others would do if we were the ones in need. I don’t think any of us set out to frustrate or upset each other on purpose.

So we need to help others help us – and the only way we do so is by communicating our pictures as clearly, and in as much detail as possible.

It’s not easy – trust me, this is a “pot calling kettle black” blog if ever there was one… but think about it if the positions were switched. I know I personally would so much rather give what is really wanted rather than what I think is needed…

Something to ponder anyway…

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door shall be opened.” ~ Matthew 7:7

“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” ~ Dorothy Day

It is no secret that more and more people are moving away from their communities of origin… economic opportunities, as well as occasions for both personal and professional growth take us not only across countries but across the globe.

Even when we’ve lived in a place for a while, we can find ourselves without the kind of support and connection that we long for… we change jobs, romances end, our kids switch schools, we choose to move beyond friendships that no longer support our growth.

It is inevitable that the times we find ourselves most aware of our lack of community are when we most need it. Unfortunately, the very nature of our neediness and how we as humans respond to such need in others oftentimes guarantees that, after an initial willingness to help, we may end up driving away the very people we expect and want most to be part of our support system.

Ghandi famously said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” If what we most want is a community of like-minded people on whom we can depend, then we must be willing to reach out to likely candidates and offer them our own presence and dependability.

We must use our discernment in choosing people with whom we would like to build community. Finding others with whom we connect who are also willing to give as much as they receive can take time and we may, in the process, have to endure the pain of letting some people go as we discover overtime that we are participating in an unbalanced relationship.

And, of course, there’s always the risk that our overtures may be rejected. But if we never extend our companionship, our wisdom, our shoulder to lean on, how can we expect anyone to offer theirs in turn? If we never communicate that we are available for friendship how is anyone to know?

Ultimately, only we have the power to change and shape our world… if you find yourself feeling that “long loneliness,” ask yourself, what action are you willing to take today in order to alleviate it, to be yourself what you are searching for in others?

‘In our hectic, fast-paced, consumer-driven society, it’s common to feel overwhelmed, isolated and alone. Many are re-discovering the healing and empowering role that community can bring to our lives. The sense of belonging we feel when we make the time to take an active role in our communities can give us a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.” ~ Robert Alan

“[The body is] a marvelous machine … a chemical laboratory, a powerhouse. Every movement, voluntary or involuntary, full of secrets and marvels!” ~ Theodor Herzl

I’ve been thinking about bodies today – not really a surprise given what we do around here…

Our bodies are amazing… really, truly, awesomely, stunning… and we take them for granted every single day.

Think about the millions of processes that go into something as simple as taking a bite of food… first, you have to see where the plate is; then you have to use an astonishing amount of eye hand coordination to actually get a bite on the fork.  Next, all kinds of muscles have to work in congress to lift the fork while muscle memory helps you unerringly find your mouth without the benefit of sight.  Finally, there’s the whole startling miracle of transforming a foreign substance into fuel for this unbelievably sophisticated machine.

And it all works so well that most three year olds have this sequence down pat… don’t get me started on the miracles that are throwing and catching a ball, driving a car, climbing the stairs, never mind breathing, growing, and thinking or, for that matter, tasting, smelling, touching, seeing, hearing, and sensing!

We do all these things unconsciously every single day… we actually physically experience the truly miraculous on an ongoing basis, and it’s so common place we never stop to wonder at the blessing of it all.

There’s a lot of talk in some religions – or, more truthfully, in the practice of some religions – about the evils of the body.  To be physical is to sin, while to be disassociated from the corporeal is holy…

I wonder about the logic of this.

If it is true that there is some all knowing force in the Universe who is not only the embodiment of good as many claim, but is also incapable of making mistakes then doesn’t it follow that we, as this Force’s creations, have bodies for a reason?

That it is part of the divine plan that we should experience the world from an embodied view point?

That we feel pleasure – yes, ALL kinds of pleasure – because we’re supposed to?

Otherwise, wouldn’t we be blowing around in the breeze, like so many spiritual jelly fish??

We have been given such a gift; we have been blessed with so much… it’s humbling and breathtaking when you stop to think about it.

“If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred” ~Walt Whitman

(* “I sing the body electric” ~ Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass)

“Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough.” ~Gail Sheehy

I’m late posting today and kind of beating myself up for it.  When we decided that HHP should have a blog, I created a picture for myself of being a part of people’s mornings, of being that perfect emotional biscotti to go with your mid morning cup of coffee at the office.  Clearly, since it’s now 5:10 pm, and I’m about to go back into session, today I have failed rather miserably in this goal.

I have a confession… I’m a perfectionist – actually, I like to say, stealing from my dad, that I’m a recovering perfectionist.  This means that I’m aware that, as a big picture person, I have the ability to see how things should be, but that, as a logical being, I also understand that sometimes (often times, really) I have to let myself off the hook at “good enough.”

Kevin Sullivan, a counselor and Director of Academic Support in the Office of First Year Programs at the University of Connecticut, has developed a concept he calls “The Perfection of Effort” as a replacement for our perfectionism.   Hind sight is indeed 20/20, and those of us with perfectionist tendencies can look back at something we’ve created and kick ourselves for not having reached the pinnacle of “what could have been.”  Perfection of Effort asks us to look at what we wanted to accomplish in light of how much time, energy, resources, and information we had going into the project.  If we can honestly say, given limitations in any of these areas (and there are always some,) that we did the best job we could, we must not only forgive ourselves, but take pride in what we’ve created under the circumstances.

So I’m going to take pride in the fact that, despite having a very hectic schedule today, I remained true to my commitment to post something upbeat and hopefully illuminating every day… and also that I’ve turned something that I was not happy with myself about into a positive – who knows if I hadn’t been berating myself for not posting sooner if I would have gotten to share “The Perfection of Effort?!”

There’s always a silver lining… : )

“Pleasure, or slow eating, is about savoring every bite that you take. And, so, that it’s really enjoying the food, really making it a holistic experience.” ~ Lisa Dorfman

I’m sitting on the patio of Starbucks, savoring what I hope will not be the last sunny day of the fall.   I’ve got a book in my lap, but I’m not really reading.  Instead I’m basking in the brightness, watching people go by, slowly sipping my soy chai latte, following a last lingering leaf as it surrenders to the inevitable and makes its dancing, spiraling way to the ground…

Savoring… sssssssaaaaaavooooooooriiiiiiiingggggg…. onomatopoeic – it sounds like what it means….mmmmm

I love days like this – long slow days with no “have-to’s.”  And it took an acting assignment to wake me up to just how much I need them.

It was a simple exercise.  (I’m not even sure that any of us understood what the point was.)  The teacher set a metronome and we had to enter the room, complete a chore, and leave – all to the beat.  We were each given the opportunity to experience three different rhythms and then we compared notes.

I was shocked to discover that I was the only one in the room who preferred the most leisurely pace.  I thought it was both odd and ironic that I should be the one who found slow so pleasurable.  I walked fast; I talked fast; I was always on the go – driving myself harder and further.  And yet it was clear to me on a body level that the pace that allowed me to savor was what felt best.

Over the ensuing years, I have come to understand that it is partially because I can move so quickly and be so driven that I enjoy operating at an unhurried pace.  I like to be forced to slow down, to linger over a task, to really be in my body and in an experience, to enjoy all the various sensations that come when I have enough time to actually notice them.

And today, I’m not alone.  There’s a whole “slow movement” happening – slow meals, slow sex, even slow education – in reaction to the often frenetic, over committed, overly “plugged in” lifestyle that has become the American “norm.”

Research shows that, by slowing down, by actively choosing to do less with more consciousness, we not only lower our stress levels, but our lives take on more meaning.  We have more opportunity to really connect with people we care about -as opposed to the fast food version that is a facebook status update, or a text message limited to 160 characters.  We also have the chance to actually enjoy our activities instead of gobbling them down, swallowing without ever really tasting.  Sure, we do less, but we take greater pleasure.

It’s a radical notion.  It means stepping out of the rat race, letting the “Joneses” speed on ahead.  It means limiting the number of experiences we might have, a notion many of us dislike intensely, fearing that in choosing less we might be missing out on “THE” experience… it’s a risk.

But perhaps in surrendering volume, we gain in relationship, presence, depth, and, ultimately, in Joy.  Maybe, just maybe, we must concede the battle to win the war.

“Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you’ve lost them forever.” ~Wayne Dyer