“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything… at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” ~ Dan Millman

It’s December 1^st, and already, we’re hearing that people are overwhelmed by the “have-tos” of the holidays…

Shopping, family time, more social activities than we’ve had in the last 6 months – any of which by themselves have the potential to be wonderful events (yes, even Christmas Eve with your in-laws) – but the sheer volume of activity squashed into this one 31 day period is awe-inspiring.

For those of us who are big picture people, looking out over the vast holiday landscape can be over powering.  There are times when making a list of the things that must get done is enough to send me back to bed for the day.  In these moments, I remember Katie.

When I first got out of college and was waiting tables for the first time in my life, Katie was the tall, beautiful, red headed, slightly (ok, VERY) intimidating, senior server.  I was in awe of Katie’s serenity in the midst of the evening rush – she was like this cool, steady river, placid but constantly flowing through the madness.  I watched her for several weeks trying to figure out her secret before I finally got up the nerve to ask.

I remember she looked surprised – I think she was amazed to discover that anyone was watching.  I also think she thought I was a bit nuts because, as far as she was concerned, what she was doing was no big deal.

“I just do the next thing that has to be done, step-by-step through the night, and I don’t worry about the rest until it’s their turn.”

And with that, she flipped her hair and went off to do the next thing.

But it was a revelation to me.  I’ve always made my way through life by looking at the whole and then working into the details – but when the whole becomes too large (like during the holidays) I end up caught in a seemingly endless loop of trying to “get a grip” on it all.  By prioritizing things into what must be done next, I not only interrupt that loop, but actually start moving some of the “have-tos” off my plate, making the whole smaller and more manageable.

I find that, at my worst, it can be hard to get started, but once I do the panic lifts, my feet find ground again, my attitude becomes more positive, and the quality of my life improves astronomically.

So maybe, this holiday season, we can all find our inner Katie, and give ourselves a little more breathing space and a lot more pleasure!

“Control your own time. Don’t let it be done for you. If you are working off the in-box that is fed you, you are probably working on the priority of others.” ~ Donald Rumsfeld

“Holidays in general breed unrealistic expectations. The minute you start wondering, ‘is it going to be wonderful enough?,’ it never will be.” ~ Pepper Schwartz

Seems like the theme of the day today was “Holiday Expectations” and how to manage them in order to have as stress-free, peaceful, and joyous a holiday season as possible.

The Holidays (capital H intentional) are an archetype all their own.

By definition, an archetype is “the original pattern or model of which all things of the same type are representations.”  Just like duplicates made on the office copier, the subsequent reproductions never achieve the same clarity as the original. It is impossible for any physical manifestation to fully embody all that is the archetype.

Carl Jung further proposed that archetypes are “inherited ideas or modes of thought which are derived from the experience of the race and are present in the unconscious of the individual.”  Essentially, he’s saying that we all enter this world with certain concepts which are universal to all human beings… kinda like an operating system which runs underneath all the cultural, familial, and personal lessons we learn throughout life.

For example, MOTHER is an archetypal energy that we all, no matter where in the world we were born, inherently know.  Our own mothers, being human, cannot possibly fulfill all of the qualities which we expect of MOTHER.  Depending on how closely she comes to matching that internal picture, we feel more or less angst over the perceived lack.

All this to say that we all have an idea of what The Holidays are supposed to be, and rarely, if ever, does the actual experience match up.

Knowing this, what can we, as conscious beings, do to make this special time, not only pleasant, but joyful as well?

The first step is to be as fully conscious of our pictures as possible.  If Christmas Eve to you means eating sub sandwiches while stringing popcorn and cranberries and watching Miracle on 34th Street on the couch, the odds are that you’re not going to be happy about being “forced” to attend church services.  By identifying what our expectations are we have the opportunity to communicate our pictures and reach a consensus with everyone involved.  Compromise may be necessary – perhaps half the family goes to church while the other half stays home – but making a conscious choice to adjust our pictures can go a long way to alleviating the discord that comes when they aren’t met.

The sad truth is that there are as many negative expectations of The Holidays as positive.  Many of us feel overwhelmed by pressure and disastrous possibilities, wishing desperately that we could just go to bed and wake up when it’s all over. Making the choice to let go of our assumptions – both good AND “bad” – and to approach the coming weeks with a sense of adventure and wonder, waiting to see how it all unfolds, can also bring relief from the grind.

Throughout it all, taking advantage of and creating pockets of peace can add to the joy of the season.  We all get caught up in the hustle and bustle of “have-tos” and end up feeling exhausted and resentful.  Many of us, particularly if we travel, feel conflicted over “stealing” time for ourselves.  But this is the usual self-care trap.  Taking time to ground and connect within, going for a solitary run or walk, or taking an hour to read a book somewhere removed will actually increase the quality of our time together.

The Holidays are a marathon, not a sprint; it’s all about pacing and refueling.  Identify what’s important, be conscious of pictures, let go of unproductive expectations, communicate needs clearly, give yourself permission to say “no,” make time for you…

And I promise you will survive the next month… who knows, you might even enjoy it!

“ ‘Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed’ was the ninth beatitude.” ~ Alexander Pope

“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.” ~ C.S. Lewis

I am, at times, guilty of taking the people I love for granted – not in the way we usually mean (to expect someone or something to be always available to serve in some way without thanks or recognition) but in not seeing them in all their splendor.

It’s not for lack of appreciating their wonderful qualities or talents.  It’s more like we work or play so closely, brain to brain, soul to soul, that I stop seeing them the person, and just relate to them the being.

Once, when I worked in a restaurant, I looked up to see this very attractive man looking at me from the end of the bar.  I smiled; he smiled and then I saw him…

He was my boyfriend… oy!

I loved him and I had stopped seeing his external self… seeing him where I didn’t expect to allowed me to see his physical self without the laser focus of my caring and concern for him.

It’s not just about looks…

This holiday, I spent some really lovely quality time with one of my sisters.  It’s been a while since we had the opportunity to just hang out and in the midst of the weekend I remembered how cool she is.

Being apart, in the midst of my daily grind, I always remember how much I love my family members, but it’s more like a “they’re my family; of course, I love them” kinda thing.  Then when we’re together, every now and then the veil pulls back, and I see THEM for who they are… some really amazing, interesting, caring human beings who each strive in their own way to make the world a better place.  I remember that I not only love them because they’re family, I genuinely LIKE them….

Sometimes I lose track of that, but it’s really great to be reminded.

“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.” ~ Paulo Coelho

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge – myth is more potent than history – dreams are more powerful than facts – hope always triumphs over experience – laughter is the cure for grief – love is stronger than death” ~ Robert Fulghum

I’ve been watching holiday specials… I admit I’m a sucker for nostalgia, happy endings, the underdog saving the day, and anything in which people rediscover their values just in the nick of time. 

Being a “grown up” seems, in large part, to be earned when we have learned through hard experience to be wary, realistic, and concrete.  Yet, there is something in us that yearns to see the world through more trusting eyes, to experience wonder, and awe, and trust… I think we all want to believe in magic…

Beyond propagating the species, maybe magic is one of the reasons we have children.  Just like AAA can jump start your car battery, the belief of a small person can reboot our sense of wonder.  Watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer through the eyes of a 4 year old and you trust that right will triumph over might and that there is a place where every “misfit” will be loved and valued.  Miracle on 34^th Street teaches us to believe in possibilities, and Will Ferrell’s Elf knows that belief is what makes everything fly.

As an adult, it takes much more courage to be open to magic… we’ve been hurt, disappointed, failed.  But, for most of us, there always remains at least a slim filament of hope that can be rekindled and relit – even if only for a short time…

And, oh, how gorgeous we are when we are lit with awe and anticipation!

So, I dare you this holiday season – whatever faith you do or don’t practice – I triple dog dare you to trust, to believe, to bathe in the miraculous…

Who knows what magic of your own you’ll create?

“That’s the thing with magic. You’ve got to know it’s still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you.” ~ Charles de Lint

“It is the duty of every cultured man or woman to read sympathetically the scriptures of the world. If we are to respect others’ religions as we would have them respect our own, a friendly study of the world’s religions is a sacred duty.” ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

I was told today, in a very gentle and kind way, that I was going to hell because of my beliefs.  This lovely lady wasn’t trying to scare me and, for the most part, she wasn’t really trying to convert me; she was just letting me know – in a very matter of fact, sure way.

My own belief system says that, so long as it isn’t hurting anyone else, everyone is entitled to believe whatever works for them.  I’m ok that she believes that a certain set of rules and regulations will lead to her own salvation after death; I just wish she was as ok letting me be me.

What is the right reply to such an assertion in today’s more flexible religious climate, where many of us are practicing what I like to call “salad-bar” spirituality, picking and choosing from various traditions to create something that speaks to our own sense of TRUTH?

I once dated a man who had recommitted himself as an adult to the faith of his childhood.  His faith was one of the things I loved about him, but my lack of belief (by his standards) became an issue. 

I tried to clarify, “For me, the Force in the Universe is like some great underground river with all these wells reaching down into it.  We choose the well that is closest to home, or which makes us feel most comfortable, but it’s all the same water.”

I was really pleased with this account, but then I heard the silence on the other end of the phone.  And in a flash of inspiration, I knew.

“You think all the rest of us are drinking muddy water, don’t you?”

“All I can tell you is what my faith says,” he replied.

We didn’t last much longer.

There are very few people I know who at the very bottom of it all don’t share pretty much the same values.  We love our families and friends and want them to be happy and healthy.  We want to do honest work for an honest wage.  We want to take care of our small corner of the planet.  For the most part, we do our best to do what we think is right…

 Why can’t we leave it at that, and save the afterlife until we get there?

“Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one’s own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.” ~ John Fitzgerald Kennedy