“Kindness is the only service that will stand the storm of life and not wash out. It will wear well and will be remembered long after the prism of politeness or the complexion of courtesy has faded away.” ~Abraham Lincoln

As I was leaving Starbucks this morning, a young mom holding her little one was attempting to drag her stroller up the stairs one handed.  All the while, a whole group of people stood waiting to enter behind her.  Not one of them offered to assist – even though it would have meant that they themselves would have gotten their caffeine fix that much sooner…

So I helped her out – and the sad thing was that she was surprised.  (Her smile made my day!)

I understand that the women’s liberation movement made things like standing when a woman enters the room, holding doors, and walking on the outside of the street a minefield of possible recrimination for men.  Many a guy has told me that he fears being yelled at or scorned if he shows some of these once-common courtesies.

I get it; I empathize… although I do think many women have come back round to where we believe that these little civilities are not a slam on our capabilities, but are instead an honoring of just how divine femininity is – just like allowing a man to open the door is a nod to our appreciation of their fabulous maleness!

Still, I understand that it’s hard to keep up with the changing policies that govern gender relations…

But does that mean we – both men AND women – have thrown the baby out with the bathwater?

I’ve watched people on the train, glued to their ipods and books, ignore the hugely pregnant lady hanging on to the pole for dear life.  Or the parent with two kids under 10 who is trying to keep all three of them from toppling over when the el roars into the station.  I witnessed a man on a bus swearing at a wheelchair-bound man because he had to change seats so that the chair could be locked in.  I’ve seen people pass right by an older person with their full shopping cart trying to bump up the stairs to the CTA platform.

What is WRONG with us???

Have we become so self-centered that we don’t actually see our fellow humans?

I admit, I kinda hope that’s the cause; it seems the lesser of two evils.  If not, it means that we are consciously ignoring the everyday difficulties of people around us.  Have we lost our ability to empathize and respond to the plight of others?

I understand that, living in an urban environment, we get numb to or even disgusted with being hit up on every street corner, every story worse than the next… but are we so deadened that we don’t even notice when a fellow citizen in seemingly good standing is faced with an obstacle that it would cost us nothing to help them overcome?

A few moments, the inconvenience of standing at the end of a long day, the trouble of bending over to pick up a dropped glove, the hassle of negotiating one end of a carriage or cart… these are all such small offerings in the grand scheme of life, and yet they can make such an enormous difference to the ones we extend them to…

And yet we don’t.

So I have to ask… What price our humanity?

“I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word – politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.” ~ Fran Lebowitz

“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything… at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” ~ Dan Millman

It’s December 1^st, and already, we’re hearing that people are overwhelmed by the “have-tos” of the holidays…

Shopping, family time, more social activities than we’ve had in the last 6 months – any of which by themselves have the potential to be wonderful events (yes, even Christmas Eve with your in-laws) – but the sheer volume of activity squashed into this one 31 day period is awe-inspiring.

For those of us who are big picture people, looking out over the vast holiday landscape can be over powering.  There are times when making a list of the things that must get done is enough to send me back to bed for the day.  In these moments, I remember Katie.

When I first got out of college and was waiting tables for the first time in my life, Katie was the tall, beautiful, red headed, slightly (ok, VERY) intimidating, senior server.  I was in awe of Katie’s serenity in the midst of the evening rush – she was like this cool, steady river, placid but constantly flowing through the madness.  I watched her for several weeks trying to figure out her secret before I finally got up the nerve to ask.

I remember she looked surprised – I think she was amazed to discover that anyone was watching.  I also think she thought I was a bit nuts because, as far as she was concerned, what she was doing was no big deal.

“I just do the next thing that has to be done, step-by-step through the night, and I don’t worry about the rest until it’s their turn.”

And with that, she flipped her hair and went off to do the next thing.

But it was a revelation to me.  I’ve always made my way through life by looking at the whole and then working into the details – but when the whole becomes too large (like during the holidays) I end up caught in a seemingly endless loop of trying to “get a grip” on it all.  By prioritizing things into what must be done next, I not only interrupt that loop, but actually start moving some of the “have-tos” off my plate, making the whole smaller and more manageable.

I find that, at my worst, it can be hard to get started, but once I do the panic lifts, my feet find ground again, my attitude becomes more positive, and the quality of my life improves astronomically.

So maybe, this holiday season, we can all find our inner Katie, and give ourselves a little more breathing space and a lot more pleasure!

“Control your own time. Don’t let it be done for you. If you are working off the in-box that is fed you, you are probably working on the priority of others.” ~ Donald Rumsfeld

“Holidays in general breed unrealistic expectations. The minute you start wondering, ‘is it going to be wonderful enough?,’ it never will be.” ~ Pepper Schwartz

Seems like the theme of the day today was “Holiday Expectations” and how to manage them in order to have as stress-free, peaceful, and joyous a holiday season as possible.

The Holidays (capital H intentional) are an archetype all their own.

By definition, an archetype is “the original pattern or model of which all things of the same type are representations.”  Just like duplicates made on the office copier, the subsequent reproductions never achieve the same clarity as the original. It is impossible for any physical manifestation to fully embody all that is the archetype.

Carl Jung further proposed that archetypes are “inherited ideas or modes of thought which are derived from the experience of the race and are present in the unconscious of the individual.”  Essentially, he’s saying that we all enter this world with certain concepts which are universal to all human beings… kinda like an operating system which runs underneath all the cultural, familial, and personal lessons we learn throughout life.

For example, MOTHER is an archetypal energy that we all, no matter where in the world we were born, inherently know.  Our own mothers, being human, cannot possibly fulfill all of the qualities which we expect of MOTHER.  Depending on how closely she comes to matching that internal picture, we feel more or less angst over the perceived lack.

All this to say that we all have an idea of what The Holidays are supposed to be, and rarely, if ever, does the actual experience match up.

Knowing this, what can we, as conscious beings, do to make this special time, not only pleasant, but joyful as well?

The first step is to be as fully conscious of our pictures as possible.  If Christmas Eve to you means eating sub sandwiches while stringing popcorn and cranberries and watching Miracle on 34th Street on the couch, the odds are that you’re not going to be happy about being “forced” to attend church services.  By identifying what our expectations are we have the opportunity to communicate our pictures and reach a consensus with everyone involved.  Compromise may be necessary – perhaps half the family goes to church while the other half stays home – but making a conscious choice to adjust our pictures can go a long way to alleviating the discord that comes when they aren’t met.

The sad truth is that there are as many negative expectations of The Holidays as positive.  Many of us feel overwhelmed by pressure and disastrous possibilities, wishing desperately that we could just go to bed and wake up when it’s all over. Making the choice to let go of our assumptions – both good AND “bad” – and to approach the coming weeks with a sense of adventure and wonder, waiting to see how it all unfolds, can also bring relief from the grind.

Throughout it all, taking advantage of and creating pockets of peace can add to the joy of the season.  We all get caught up in the hustle and bustle of “have-tos” and end up feeling exhausted and resentful.  Many of us, particularly if we travel, feel conflicted over “stealing” time for ourselves.  But this is the usual self-care trap.  Taking time to ground and connect within, going for a solitary run or walk, or taking an hour to read a book somewhere removed will actually increase the quality of our time together.

The Holidays are a marathon, not a sprint; it’s all about pacing and refueling.  Identify what’s important, be conscious of pictures, let go of unproductive expectations, communicate needs clearly, give yourself permission to say “no,” make time for you…

And I promise you will survive the next month… who knows, you might even enjoy it!

“ ‘Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed’ was the ninth beatitude.” ~ Alexander Pope