“Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.” ~ Margaret J. Wheatley
Sometimes there aren’t any answers… no solutions or quick fixes to be had. Sometimes we just have to put our heads down and place one foot in front of the other, holding as our talisman the faint glimmering of that distant light at the end of the tunnel.
Most of us don’t like to complain; we know that we’re lucky in comparison to others. We’ve been taught that if we don’t have anything nice to say, we shouldn’t say anything at all…
How amazing is it, in these times, when someone is willing to walk beside us, holding space, and gifting us with their listening?
Listening is an underrated skill; and one that isn’t widely taught. More often than not, instead of staying fully present, we are rushing on ahead, considering what we will say in reply. Even if we are paying attention, we are perceiving through our own filter. Language is frequently inadequate in communicating feeling and meaning; words have multiple interpretations… so what we’re hearing may not in fact be what’s being said.
“To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean,” says Mark Nepo, “In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”
Active Listening is an exercise in which the speaker tells their story in manageable segments, pausing to allow the listener an opportunity to reflect back what it is that they heard. Before moving forward, the speaker must agree that the listener’s interpretation is correct.
In my own experience, knowing that I am going to be asked what I heard, keeps me singularly focused on what is being said. It also takes away the burden of having to try and “fix” the issue, or even to offer comfort or inspiration. My job is to simply be a mirror.
What is even more amazing is how deeply moving this practice can be for the speaker… to tell your truth and be fully heard AND understood is such a rarity, that people often find themselves in tears. “With the gift of listening,” reminds Catherine de Hueck Doherty, “comes the gift of healing.”
It costs us so little to listen… a little bit of time, focus, and energy. But the return on our investment is better communication, greater understanding, and deeper intimacy… who doesn’t want that?
“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.” ~ Sue Patton Thoele